How NOT to write Titanic fanfiction
by Fomalhaut
Summary: A bunch of craziness I wrote for fun, not to be taken seriously. I added a second chapter of insanity, please forgive me...
1. Chapter 1

**I'm not making fun at you, so please don't flame me down. I just collected something that, in my opinion, shouldn't go into a Titanic fanfic all together. I repeat, all together.**

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Okay guys, this will be about historical Titanic fanfiction, not movie-based one.

Okay guys, this will be about _historical_ Titanic fanfiction, not movie-based one. Writing those is easy: Jack and Rose fluff all the way and it'll be fine, unless you exaggerate with the pink candy clouds, but that's another subject as I have said.

So, you see the movie and fall in love with insert officer's name here, and think up some random 16 or 17 year-old girl (stick with the age!), name her something like Amethyst Viola ShiningStar (specify in the summary that she's not a Mary-Sue) and place her on the Titanic with some boring evil restrictive parents named with old-sounding names such as Hank and Marge (don't bother about the second name ShiningStar, they're probably named Smith or stuff like that, Amethyst Viola picked the beautiful name by herself), who won't let her out after 10 o'clock to flirt with insert officer's name here. Or even better, Amethyst Viola is travelling _alone_! And in first class, of course, wearing tight clothes and her long hair is flowing down her back (don't bother about the historical research which will undoubtedly tell you she looks like a prostitute in 1912). Now that we're talking about her appearance, her hair is always long and is either shining gold or cherry red or ebony black, her eyes are usually some shining emerald green and her figure is slim but not skinny with a tiny waist, blah blah, anyway she has to capture insert officer's name here's gaze immediately. Once again forget about the historical research, like that the officers weren't allowed to get too intimate with first-class ladies. So, insert officer's name here and Amethyst Viola are sweetly and slowly falling for each other, but she is either too embarrassed or is kept back by the evil restrictive parents, so at least 12 chapters are spent with grey angst and pink fluff, without _anything_ of importance happening between her and insert officer's name here. At this point, however, Amethyst Viola should definitely attempt suicide for some irrelevant reason, but of course insert officer's name here is there ready to save her, and finally he... OMG! A CLIFFY! _takes her hand_!! Oh, the warmth of his body, aaah, pink fluff, 2 or 3 chapters, you know the rant. The two start getting closer (it's about time, the ship will sink in, like less than 2 days from there!!), and finally, on the night of the sinking, they... OMG! A CLIFFY! ..._kiss_!!

Beautiful.

Right here you realize there's not much time left, and insert officer's name here immediately takes Amethyst Viola up to his quarters and you decide to change your story's rating to M. The other officers cover for them, of course. Please, omit that stupid historical research, I mean, truly, who cares if insert officer's name here was more than 20 years older than your Amethyst Viola/was married with children/was on watch that night? And if it was so?! Amethyst Viola is so gorgeous that insert officer's name here, in your story, is barely 20 and has no girlfriend/wife!!

But... OMG! A CLIFFY! The ship is sinking (make her exit his quarters before the iceberg hits), and you must fill 10 chapters with inner turmoil, but obviously she is saved and angsts all night long about him in the lifeboat.

Option 1: insert officer's name here dies. OH THE DRAMA! Crying, angst, whatever, but, in the midst of the sinking, while he, as a hero, was busy saving other people, he somehow found pen and waterproof paper to write her a very short farewell note of 4 or 5 pages in which he tells her about his everlasting love. She cries and angsts for 10 more chapters, then decides life must go on.

Option 2: insert officer's name here survives! They marry and live happily ever after. Write a sequel of another 50 chapters, please!

Option 3: insert officer's name here dies, but once again, forget about that useless historical research and go for option 2!

- Pretty fanfic, isn't it?


	2. Chapter 2

**I am so stupid. I threw this mess together in, like 15 minutes. Have seen too many of these...**

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Usually, time travel is a tricky thing to write about, and can be quite entertaining. Even if you get on the _Titanic_.

Unless…

**1. Give it some reason.**

The time machine might be a cliché, but getting on the _Titanic_ (de facto, not only dreaming the whole thing) simply because you see a bright flash of light randomly blinding you from under a stone on the street or banging your head in the corner of the dining table after stuffing yourself with sweets is a _little_ unlikely. Plus, don't you think a girl randomly falling from the sky might seem somewhat weird?

**2. Naming… naming!**

If it's a self-insertion… okay. But modern girls transported on the _Titanic_ via random flashes of light can't be named Amber Smith or Julie Taylor. Nope. Amethyst Viola ShiningStar off the starboard bow!

**3. Class**

Forget the historical research and everything else (including your own sanity and logic), you're on the ship, you obviously have a reservation. In first class, no less, unless you want to whine about being poor and screw Jack Dawson… wait. If it's a time-travel, Jack Dawson doesn't even exist! Aw, sheesh, this is bad. What to do? Change it to first class, of course. Second class is almost non-existant.

**4. Language**

If you run up to insert officer's name here screaming stuff like "OMG KAWAII BISHIE UR SO KEWL!", don't expect him to kiss you. He won't even if you tell him how wonderful the _Titanic_ computer game you recently played was.

**5. Change history…**

"The ship will sink! The ship will sink!"

And, the officers who didn't pay any attention to older and wiser heads or other ships warning them of the icefield, will obviously take the insane rambling of a 16 year-old to heart.

**6. The obligatory love story**

You cannot get on the _Titanic_ simply for the fun (?) of it, or just to save it from sinking. You must fall in reciprocated (!) love with insert officer's name here! Why, even Thomas Andrews, Captain Smith and Bruce Ismay aren't safe! What if insert officer's name here died in the sinking? Oh, you're not supposed to care about that. If, in extreme cases, you do, a bright flash of light emanates from the iceberg and you find yourselves in the modern times again. Of course insert officer's name here gets immediately accustomed to American slang, Britney Spears, and televisions.

**6.2. Poor, poor ****insert officer's name here****…**

I honestly feel sorry for the poor guy. Insert officer's name here has so much to do in the 4 days before the sinking after a stunningly beautiful girl claiming to be from the future named Neptunia Serenity Loveheart fell from the sky right into his arms! First, he has to arrange a room for her (preferably in first class, or, even better, in his own quarters), second, he has to convince the whole ship she is not a raving lunatic, third, he has to comfort her for all the angst and tragedies and scars she has hidden inside her broken soul, fourth, he has to show her around the ship and fetch her appropriate clothing, fifth, he has to fall for her, sixth, he has to take her virginity. Oh, and of course, doing _useless secondary tasks_ as being on watch, directing the ship, giving and following orders, analysing telegraph messages, discussing important matters and assisting the Captain.


	3. Friends and foes

**Just had this idea and decided to add another chapter. Enjoy!**

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Now, Amethyst Viola ShiningStar has to do _something_ when she's not arguing with her token Abusive Parents or snogging insert officer's name here, right? (If you want to write a story that consists _only_ of the two aforementioned things, sure, whatever _floats your boat_… oh damn, perhaps that isn't the best way to put it… err…)

So, Amethyst Viola needs _friends_. This is where history is completely warped, and there goes a wildly OOC Rose DeWitt-Bukater giggling with her newfound friend about how sexy insert officer's name here's ass is. Either that, or Amethyst Viola ShiningStar has a plain Wallpaper Friend named Mary Smith, whose only purpose is to tell her that she and insert officer's name here would make the perfect couple.

For, oh, said random friends – or even Rose – aren't the ones that actually _help_ Amethyst Viola in trying to get into insert officer's name here's pants (fast). She needs, ah, what am I saying, _deserves_ better, like insert another officer's name here or even Captain Smith on her side.

But, you are forgetting something. If insert officer's name here (whoever that is, he's suddenly barely 20 and looks like Prince Charming, and there is no way he has any love interest or wife whatsoever) and Amethyst Viola are both keen on indulging in carnal pleasures (preferably in his quarters, where historically there would not have been enough place to dance around stripping erotically), _why_ do we need a helping hand at all?

Lo and behold, enter the _enemy_!

If it's a _he,_ insert: Cal/Ismay/some random other officer's name because it did not sound glamorous enough, say, Pitman; if it's a _she_, insert: Ruth DeWitt-Bukater/actual damn wife or fiancée of your chosen officer (!), because she's evil and Amethyst Viola is a saint who deserves to get the man of her dreams. I'll pass discussing Abusive Parents because what they do is usually just forbidding Amethyst Viola from seeing insert officer's name here, then whine a little when she does anyway, and in the end weep happily as he leads her to the altar.

In any case, insert male enemy's name here is helplessly attracted to Amethyst Viola and would do anything to marry her (which destroys the movie if it's Cal, and destroys brain cells if it's Ismay), so he follows her around everywhere, nevermind if you went for Heroine!Angst and made her a dirty third-class passenger wearing rags and crying all the time. Sexual tension rises when insert male enemy's name here, Amethyst Viola and insert officer's name here are all within a 50-foot radius of each other, then, after about 20-25 chapters of "OMGILOVEHIMBUTTHEOTHERONEISH ERETOOCRYYYYYYY!", insert male enemy's here does some Unspeakable Evil, which can be anything from tearing off Amethyst Viola's clothes through forcibly hugging her or kissing her hand to ask for her hand in marriage, but of course insert officer's name here is ready to intervene! Oh the sexual tension!

On the other hand, insert female enemy's name here is usually lurking in the darkness, burning with jealousy because Amethyst Viola is much more beautiful than her/is bound to get insert officer's name here, and – whaddaya know! – she cleverly concocts an Evil Trap to drive them apart. Follows Amethyst Viola being injured (thus the plan backfires as insert officer's name here nurses her back to health with, um, _unconventional_ methods, nevermind the Captain yelling at him to do his damn job once in a while) or running away crying (and the plan backfires again, as insert officer's name here runs after her and comforts her, um, _extensively_).

Then again, entet the dreaded enemy, _HISTORY_!

So insert officer's name here's dashing good looks and overally Gary Stu-tendencies are making insert dummy officer's name here green with envy, so he watches closely how his relationship with Amethyst Viola is developing… and OMG! He wakes the Captain from his sleep on the night of the sinking to tell him insert officer's name here is testing the bedsprings in his cabin in a singular way.

Now, the actual captain would probably roll on his side and keep snoring, or scold insert dummy officer's name here, but no, he immediately jumps up, and a) tears the officer's quarters door open and pulls the two naked bodies apart; b) looks in from the porthole and enjoys some free adult entertainment… anything for a description, baby!


End file.
